I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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