we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
