hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
