You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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