A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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