god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
