Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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