Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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