I think i peed on brittanys purse
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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