dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
