70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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