I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
