I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
