Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
