He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wish there were birth control emojis
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize