i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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