Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
