I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
