if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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