I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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