You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
