Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
