Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
