words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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