i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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