The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
