Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize