did you get engaged???
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
