if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
