I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
