The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
