what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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