He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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