you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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