I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
