im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
