Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
