do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
