So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
