You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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