I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
