she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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