Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
