toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's official drugs can't kill me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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