they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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