Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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