had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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