I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
