Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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