having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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