What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
