If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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