Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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