Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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