you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
