I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
