So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
