I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
