Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm way too hungover for life right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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