my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
