Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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